Feather's Muse

Now is the time when I want to both pay homage to the little girl (who is quickly turning into a young woman) who most inadvertently and unbeknownst to both of us at the time, gave me my first experience working with an individual who has, prior to her clever mother’s super sleuthing abilities and ultimately verbalizing those three letters “SPD” . Without our shared experience, I likely would not be doing any of this. She actually refers to me as Sissy (which is very humbling and wonderful that she thinks of me that way) and I will refer to her as lil’ sis but also, I have told her that she has played a great big giant incredible role in helping other people like us by being my muse. She’s very artistic and when I explained the concept of a muse, she was quite pleased. She’s also just a wonderful ray of bright light and is an altruist after my own heart. So, please allow me to tell the tale which is kind of my favorite part of the entire story. Perhaps not quite in the certain moments, basically because I was extraordinarily not prepared for the experience, but in retrospect, it was a powerful, tremendously beautiful and fulfilling experience. There will be a separate area specifically dedicated in gratitude for those individuals with whom I worked who all increased my understanding of ASD, SPD. Not only did they help me develop this foundation, they individually and collectively fanned the ember of my tremendous love of and desire to work with this population. They also were integral on the journey where I ultimately figured out who I am. 

 Approximately four years ago, right after I moved here (which amongst a variety of reasons) was primarily in order to live out a childhood dream while finishing my degree. The woman I live with, whom I consider to be my spiritual mother, is someone that I had known from my undergraduate years at what was at that point and likely still is considered to be the best equestrian (for those who prefer the English disciplines) and equine science studies school in the nation. I looked at many, I would say that was an accurate assessment. Very long story short, I needed a fresh start and she needed someone to help her with her then four going on five Andalusian horses. She was at that point in time wanting to focus more on breeding than competing, and while I hadn’t worked on a “stud farm” previously, I have spent over three decades working with horses. I considered myself to be fairly experienced, again, not with stallions but I have always preferred the horse that would challenge me as opposed to simply guarantee that at no point during our ride or interactions the words “Huh, so this is how I die” would pop into my head. I still stand by that, and I can also say I was not remotely prepared for the combination of hormones, a barn that was not built to withstand the behaviors of multiple young stallions bursting with those hormones, and the incredibly ridiculous things these 12-17 hundred pound creatures will feel are appropriate and justifiable behaviors when they are acting under the influence of these hormones. That’s just the boys. Then you got mommas and babies and mares at different phases of pregnancy…I’ll tell you this – I am almost never bored, and if that happens, it means I’m not spending enough time in the barn. 

It also means that I spend a very large percentage of my day out in essentially the middle of nowhere with no neighbors close enough to witness or hear me, and I have a bit of a preschool teacher’s soul, because I use absolutely anything and everything as a teachable moment for the currently 7 that we now have JUST 4 and under. Essentially, every day is an equine version of Feather’s Romper Room (although, I honestly do not remember much about the show aside from the fact that it was somewhat creepy that this woman could see children through the TV. However, I am fairly certain that it was on PBS when educational television for children was free and typically educational to some degree. To be fair to the host, I also found a lot of things to be creepy as a child, such as puppets, Sesame Street was phenomenal (Muppets are different from Puppets thank you), but Mr. Roger’s…no thank you. I also found it highly concerning that he wanted to be my neighbor. Just saying. I am hyper auditory, I have always loved music and as stated, words, wordplay, all of it…which leads to all manner of impromptu, incredibly ridiculous often only appropriate for four legged children, songs. Once again, orthodoxy is not my style, but I beyond firmly stand by my staunch conviction against the common notion that “in order to do anything with a horse, you must first “break them” (of their spirit/will/false notions that they are allowed to express their more often than not strong opinions about something)”. I refuse to do that. That method never worked on me, why would I expect it to work on something approximately 14x my size, that is far more agile, for more perceptive, much faster, and if so inclined, could very easily kill me. I am not saying that there are not boundaries and there are not consequences for significant violations of those, but much of that is as simple as changing my energy and posture and using my “stallion voice”. Not always. There are days where you just have to say…this is not the day to do this. We’ll see what tomorrow brings”. I might in some instances decide there is no realistically viable option than to choose to die on a particular hill (more accurately, I may decide that more potential harm to one of them will result if I don’t at least try, but that is typically rare and is generally under the umbrella of something medical that I can do and it’s not necessary to place an emergency call to the vet. I don’t have tranquilizers, but I am very very patient and I’ve raised over half of them and they truly are very very generous to those individuals they deem worthy of their love). I can’t say that I have not been injured, but almost every single injury was the result of ultimately having been in the wrong place at the wrong time, never while I am riding, and there are extenuating circumstances.

Now, on the spectrum of “risk” when working with these animals that posess all the wonderful qualities that I just mentioned, this falls into the extreme end of high risk. There are many barns that are much better suited towards an individual who wants to do nothing more serious than go for a trail ride on a nice gentle well-mannered horse that would likely not notice if you were to hang underneath him and shoot a musket…(which, that’s a whole different category of serious…but also hopefully the hyperbole is apparent). That type of facility is at the polar opposite of the one I manage. Then there is everything in between. 

In hindsight, I will readily admit I was so eager to offer help, particularly in being able to share the wonder of horses with a child so tremendously like myself (I had no idea in fact how similar at the point that I made this offer) combined  with the knowledge that I had to work with, I grossly overestimated my own abilities, the possible risk inherent given that at the time I began working with her, both her mother and the child herself believed that she had ADHD, more of the hyperactive form. Which, I had enough experience with at that point in my life to not trigger the voice of caution/reason/possibly common sense. However, had any of those voices made themselves heard, I likely wouldn’t be writing this. Mercifully, not only were there nothing worse than moments of panic that quickly turned into action (from my perspective), there were far more moments that got my mind working overtime and out of all boxes in order to explain/demonstrate something that in theory should have been simple, but the reality was very different. Again, this is where my insatiable desire to figure out “why” served me well. On the other hand, I had a tremendous opportunity to work with an individual who was very verbal, enjoyed sharing anything and everything that both popped into her mind as well as with some patience and learned skill in knowing how to word certain questions, where to focus my curiosity, and the ability to choose my moments wisely, was a veritable wealth of information for something that in that moment, neither of us were able to necessarily explain, but it all got us ever closer to the final point of understanding and then running with that understanding. 

Back to how I came to work with my muse. During one of the quick trips to the local grocery store for some staple that was not worth the 28 mile round trip to a larger chain store, I was chatting with her mother who after three years I considered a very perceptive, intelligent, hardworking woman and a dear friend; who was saying that her daughter who had always been a good student, had previously enjoyed school, enjoyed reading and math, and now was suddenly struggling with completing her homework. I attempted to determine if it was perhaps a matter of the difficulty of the work itself that was the problem or if it was a more developmentally induced desire to basically not complete time consuming homework because there were far more enjoyable ways to spend her time from her nine year old perspective. What I was able to gather that was that it appeared to be more from the latter category (a matter of motivation versus academic struggles). After the typical “we’ve tried everything”, I suggested that perhaps if there was something that she was really motivated to be allowed to do as a privilege that was only earned if her homework was completed, that might be enough of an incentive. I knew that her mother had an extensive history of working with and riding all manner of horses, and had been told my muse had some experience around them. She was at this point nine, so certainly an age where the ability to follow instruction and both understand specific “rules in place for her protection” and was well past the stage of having to worry about something like a toddler chasing a ball into a busy street. Her mother and I had also agreed that this wasn’t going to be learning to ride, this was going to be learning very basic horse care/stable management/ and how to handle horses safely. While yes, there are several unpredictable babies on the farm, there were also at that time equally as many older, very trustworthy horses to learn to do basic things with. Given that there were at that point, ten of them and one of me, an extra set of hands would be theoretically a “win win situation” for all parties involved. (Please do not read as “woohoo child labor” but in terms of providing some of the horses that didn’t get their fair share of attention would have been ideal, whilst teaching someone the basics of horsemanship). 

Unfortunately, that was not exactly how things worked. After the first time she was with me for an hour, while I did notice what would be classified as typical hyperactive behavior, I began noticing that there were some things that were very much atypical of ADHD. Honestly, there were some things that given my own particular hypersensitivities, or at that point, what I basically viewed as “quirks/peculiarities with certain things”  weren’t perceived to me as being as significant as perhaps they should have been. Such as helping with basic daily morning feed and putting hay in the stalls was something that she was very physically uncomfortable doing. I have never been a fan of having hay  (which is both prickly and manages to work it’s way under every layer of clothing), down my shirt, in my boots, and scratching me in the face in the process of moving it from one the storage area to a stall either, but I have learned to tolerate because there aren’t a lot of other options. So I opted to not focus on that, let’s learn something else that might be more enjoyable. One thing that consistently proved frustrating was rather than allowing me to demonstrate first and then attempt to do it, she would often insist on trying herself first. Now, I was in my mind attempting to honor a different learning style, some people learn much more readily through experiencing something than observing or being instructed. So, while I would allow an attempt for something safe like brushing, or putting a halter on, even when I offered assistance and demonstration, which was always coupled with “talking through” the proper way. Ultimately the end result was almost always, in the very literal sense, that my verbal instructions were essentially falling on deaf ears. Because while I was talking, she was actively attempting to do whatever it was herself, which sometimes included attempting to figure it out any way other than asking for or accepting guidance. Often, she was simultaneously talking a mile a minute as well, and if it is not apparent by now that I am not generally too overly concerned with a specific agenda, I went with the premise that if she felt the need to talk, then it was important for me to allow her to do that. Now, from a more sensory understanding of what was happening: her focus was already divided in several different places and for individuals with SPD, this tends not to create an optimal situation for learning new things. This is true for individuals without SPD as well, a good deal of research has demonstrated that human brains are not designed for multi-tasking tremendously effectively, although certainly some people are far better at it than others. 

Ultimately, I realized that on some level, she was “overwhelmed” by too many different factors, however at the time I didn’t know specifically how to describe how or why or conclude that it was the “sensory input” creating the problem. I did decide that it was time to experiment with some alternative approaches. After multiple attempts that were nothing if not unproductive and potentially confusing and frustrating for both child and horse, I had one of those rare moments of creative problem solving that actually provided a wealth of key information which I was desperately seeking in the first attempt. 

 The actual experiment we tried was one that I very truly wish I had a video recording of, because it was finally when I saw that light bulb go off, and when I had a much better idea of the specific ways this child learned best. It really was one of those magical moments where a puzzle that was presenting itself as having the potential to not be solved ever, let alone at least begin to take shape in some fashion was seeming more and more unlikely. Which, while that day didn’t begin to put the entire big picture together, was the foundation for everything that followed. 

I had been attempting to teach something very simple in theory, although there is a degree of subtly but that comes with experience. All we had been working on was attempting to lead a horse from his stall not even 500 feet to the round pen so that I could demonstrate how to put him through his basic gaits (walk, trot, canter, whoa). However, sometimes it’s the little things that are tremendously valuable. To make things a tad more complicated, my muse was particularly enamored with a not quite 2 at the time gelding who is a great big tall boy. He is also a gentle giant, a clown and entertainer by nature, and I always ensured that I was positioned between herself and the horse’s shoulder in case he were to have a “baby brain” moment. Again, I have raised this young man from birth, he’s a very easygoing, well behaved, overall very trustworthy horse and I will admit I was perhaps too lenient in not insisting that we start this particular lesson on our older, “bomb proof” now 21-year-old. To be perfectly honest, we may have, and because he is a smaller, older, impeccably well mannered gentleman, we didn’t run into the same issues with him (he doesn’t have the long legs nor the same overwhelming in terms of size, presence) which would have been less intimidating, easier for a nine year old (who was tall for her age) to keep up with. Brio is still a LOT of horse size and energy wise, but I understand all too well that the horse a young girl falls in love with is much like the first romantic partner: not necessarily a good match, always a learning experience, and the attraction is a powerful inexplicable one. I also know that despite his age, he is what I would call a very “generous” horse, meaning that unlike some, despite his age, he is not of the nature to take advantage of someone who is inexperienced. 

Despite the precautions, and her deep love for this big doofus, coupled with that particular sense of bravado that some individuals are more inclined to demonstrate (children and adults), particularly as a means of countering any concerns as to whether they may be feeling any sense of anxiety or fear. Which, while I was a fairly fearful child, I still can typically recognize that bluster for what it is masking  when I see it, and know better than to outwardly say anything that might potentially lead to any feelings of shame.  That awareness is particularly useful to  have, given that it helps to explain the resultant behavior that speaks the opposite of the adamant “I can do it!”.  Which, ultimately, is why something that should have been fairly straightforward was reaching a point where I realized that the repeat experience was only going to at best result in the same results or at worst, become overly frustrating or confusing for one or both of the two youngsters. Regardless of which party that might have been, the potential for things to go badly was greatly increased. 

Ultimately, I felt that the presence of a real, live, big, long-legged horse was both a hindrance and not truly necessary. So, that weekend when she came up, before she could ask to do a specific task, I said “I’ve noticed that when you lead Brio, it looks like you are frustrated, and that he is getting confused. So, I want to try an experiment today and see if trying a few different ways of explaining  things might help you understand what’s happening between the two of you a little better, and that might wind up really making it much easier for both of you. How does that sound?” She asked a little hesitantly what we were going to do, so I told her that we’re going to take turns being the person and the horse, and see which makes more sense from her perspective. I took her out to the round pen, which has deep, soft sand footing (I had already explained to her mom what we’d be doing, she was all for it) with a halter and lead rope and asked her who she wanted to be first, the person or the horse. She chose the horse, which meant that she held the halter that was attached to the lead line (which for those of you who may not know much of anything about horses, a halter is the thing that goes behind their ears, around  their nose, and is meant to be worn when you are leading a horse from point a to b, or tying one in order to brush them, get them tacked up to go for a ride. It’s also doesn’t take a tremendous amount of tension on the lead to express the basic concept of “walk on, follow me, stay behind my shoulder, and both slow down or halt”), so by having her hold it with both hands, she could literally FEEL the difference between the mixed  signals that she was giving versus the direct signals that should be given. Despite my encouragement to “act the way Brio acts, even if it means you bump into me, do what he does when I do some of the things that are confusing for him” my muse is a sweet, polite child and she was far more reserved about actually not listening to my “mixed signals” and doing the “expected” thing and responding only to my verbal signals. (To offer a better explanation of what was happening, while she might verbalize one cue, her tension on the lead line and her body language as well as tone of voice when giving a command were resulting in essentially the same thing that would happen if you simultaneously hit the gas as you were slamming on the brakes in you vehicle). So, after a few times where she played the role of a mind-reading, impeccably mannered horse, I asked her if she was doing what Brio did, and she kind of got a “deer in the headlights” look.  I suggested that we switch places and she could lead and I would act the way many horses do in such an unclear situation, even exaggerating my response if need be. Thus I responded to every mixed signal far more rudely than the actual horse, but I’m about 1500 lbs smaller and wasn’t that much taller than she was at that point, and I was only using enough jostling and pulling in a totally different direction to demonstrate, which was not much. When she would tell me to walk on, put tension on the lead, turn around to see where the “horse” was and then say without any conviction or firmness “easy”, or “whoa”, well, I kept walking right past her (not desirable) and would bump her shoulder in the process. Again, I went to the place of exaggeration because they are all potential responses other horses can have and I’d much rather her experience those with a “pretend version” that was in a safe and controlled environment than in one with the real thing that may or may not be. 

As soon as one point was becoming clear (such as how to use a firm, slightly raised tone of voice when giving a verbal command), I would switch roles, having her hold the halter and I would first demonstrate the correct way of using both the lead and the verbal commands as well as the tone of voice. Then I would do what she repeatedly was doing, and eventually (after me yelling encouragingly “come on, be a jerk!  You’re not doing what Brio would do, be Bio!”) she started to relax and have some fun with it (SCORE!) and get into it the role playing.  And every single time there was progress there was much joyous encouragement, validation and hugging. Ultimately, I put a blindfold on her and let her be the horse, and now, with only 2 sources of sensory input (auditory and tactile)  she was able to really focus on the sensation that was coming from either tension (signaling “walk on”) or a distinct downward shake of the lead line (signaling “easy” or “slow down”) and a very distinct and firm downward tug and a firm “whoa” (stop). I also had the advantage that if she was only relying on the feeling from the halter in her hands, and I suddenly stopped without giving either a distinct verbal or sensory cue, she couldn’t attempt to slam on the brakes in anticipation. THAT was when the lightbulb went off in all its glory, and I clarified by asking if she could understand from the horse’s point of view that she was giving him confusing signals. She had that priceless look from that flash of really truly getting it. Even without a video or photo, that is quite possibly what one of the most gratifying moments of my professional life, and it is one that I will always cherish. 

Then we switched roles, and she demonstrated the entire process from walk to halt  absolutely beautifully. Again, much cheering, hugging, and exclamations of how proud I was of her. Which is what her mother got to witness when she pulled into the drive to the barn. That was when I realized that while I didn’t have a name for what I was looking at yet, there was some type of issue happening where too many different forms of sensory input was too overwhelming and that was affecting the learning process. By no means the whole picture, but a vitally important place to start. 

Fortunately, once I had the right direction for areas of questions, my muse was able to provide me with a tremendous amount of information that more often than not, confirmed my suspicions. Like why sometimes her ability to make eye contact was entirely natural, other times, she would avert her gaze. I also think that it was very helpful that I could honestly relate to some of things that she did, particularly when I was her age. That sense of “I’m not the only one” especially if it’s someone that the other person likes, admires in some way and or respects, can provide a tremendous sense of comfort. 

It was not much later that her mother said those three magic letters (SPD), which was the last important piece to really put the big picture together. Which also  was exactly what I needed to go  off on my deep dive down the SPD labyrinth, and as my understanding of the disorder increased tremendously I was able to “experiment” with a few small, simple things that were like magic when she was tense or struggling to focus. It’s been about a year now since we started to solve this riddle together, and although she has mainly moved past the horse obsession, she is doing very well, a lot of changes in both her life and my own, that she has handled like a champ. I by no means can take any thing aside a small percentage of credit simply for giving her some tools and giving her and her mom so information which wound up making their lives a little bit easier. Truthfully, she helped me in all likelihood more than I helped her, and I want to give credit where credit is due. I also have kept her informed of what our work together inspired, and the budding altruist that she is, that knowledge of helping create something that is so much bigger that either of us, is something I know  gives her a sense of pride and empowerment that she most rightfully deserves.